Silence mixed with Chaos

How bizarre it feels to be up at 8:50 in the morning. Tuesday morning at that. The two older kids have gone to school. I got a cub of coffee next to me. The baby is soundly asleep upstairs. Along with my husband who has been recovery the past 8 days from hernia surgery. How strange it feels to here the sound of the cats crunching their food as they eat. I almost here a rhythm in the sound of the chewing. The sound of the heater running. So as much silence I have from not having the children around me or my husband is filled with the chaos of other sounds. Sounds I have not paid attention to in a long time.

I am so overwhelmed these days and not in a bad way. So much to think about. So much to discover. Seeing the world through they eyes of my 5 week old son is so amazing. Can you imagine waking up and every time being in a different place, room, lap, and how that would feel like. Its no wonder we forget our babyhood. All those cries we made seems so hard to take. The only form of communication that bonds us together is crying. Its such a beautiful sounds filled with chaos intertwined. I am overwhelmed by the sense of silence right now. The feeling that I can chose to type this blog, sleep perhaps, clean the chaotic home, or exercise. So many choices in a window of time. Time I should not take for granted. I feel such a sense of happiness too. I helped to create this moment of silence mixed with Chaos. The American dream perhaps. Marriage, 3 kids, house, 2 cats, and a brother-in-law living in the basement. I am happy by the wealth of support I have in my life beyond this family. Its almost intoxicating. The great extended family, parents, sister, in-laws, grandparents, aunts and uncles. The feeling of creating another generation to pass on. So even in this silence my brain is mixed with the chaos of emotions, thoughts, feelings, and as long as I write and embrace them I can learn to cope with the waterfall of change. Its so rapid. This bursting energy I feel at the beginning of a Tuesday. I know these days are go by fast and I feel that every day. I know the silence i feel today will feel much more different 15 years from now or 20. But I am admitting that in the midst of the wonderful silence I am in utter aw!!! Chaos is my friend. I figured it out. Chaos is what I need to feel human almost. I embrace chaos daily in my house, in my unfinished piles of laundry, in commiting into various groups and hobbies, in my social life, in my job, and I continue to do so. I love chaos. It consumes me no less and I need to find a good balance but its the truth. I almost feel empty when I am not doing something. Otherwise i think my house would be spotless and there would be nothing I have to do right now because it would be all done. I would not be having to chose blog, clean, or sleep. I need to have some sort of action or obstacle in my way to overcome. ITs like I am pushing a huge shovel of snow slowly forward. Its really hard but it gradually breaks down. It feels good after the rush of silence. But not for long. I need something else to make be panic or sweat a bit. I need to have a party in order to feel the plunge to clean like crazy. Otherwise I am content in the chaos I have created. Does this make sense at all?

Well now that I have a cold cup of coffee next to me and the decision to put of breakfast is making me feel like my words are getting knotted up. I should go and embrace breakfast.